Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
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I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
*Gets down on one knee*
Help my knee is made of magnets