Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
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I have a black belt in leather
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?