Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

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ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?


Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs


Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”


You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash


I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.


RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust


My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.


Date: I’m looking for security

Me: I double knot my shoelaces

Date: but also excitement

Me: together


I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”