Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
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Banking tips
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I beg your pardon?
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.