Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
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As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?