Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
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If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
True.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”