@KalvinMacleod ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
@errdayhustlah Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
You Might Also Like
@KalvinMacleod 
@DadandBuried Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
@zachary_lampley Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
@EndhooS Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
@badbanana A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
@BrittanyMeansIt One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
@PetrickSara “I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
@flashember [to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
@thatcarlygirl *brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
@amechamecha After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..