Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

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the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.


Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.


The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line


wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals


I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.


[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“U still owe me $20.”


I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”