Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
You Might Also Like
Seems kinda suspicious
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
thanks auntie mary
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble