Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
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Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”