Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
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Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.