Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
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“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
What a chick magnet..
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Become ungovernable.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.