Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
You Might Also Like
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
how long have you had this for?
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I bet birds love this building.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.