Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
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Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
#ProTip
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,