Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
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“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA