Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
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My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
This trial is so absurd 😭
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.