Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
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The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?