Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

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The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.


Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.


Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?


If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.


Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.


Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.


*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!


A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth


I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.