@Shariv67

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

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@robdelaney

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

@LetMeStart

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

@Kimgee8

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

@stupidityHQ

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

@daemonic3

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

@RxitWounds

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

@ieatanddrink

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

@junejuly12

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.