Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
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Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.