Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
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My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Hey Fugeddaboutit
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look