Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

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INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it


[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you


A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.


So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Monterrey Jack


[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.


I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.


Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.


Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that


My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.