Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
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Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
are they though??
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today