Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
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Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
“you changed” bro i was 15
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick