@mattZillaaaa

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

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@impaulmccoy

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

@jngraphs

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

@TheTweetOfGod

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

@

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

@NikiWithIssues

Who wants a serious blowjob? It’s like a normal blowjob but I’ll leave my glasses on.

@Cheeseboy22

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

@AngelaEhh

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

@KyleMcDowell86

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS