“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
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I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Who wants a serious blowjob? It’s like a normal blowjob but I’ll leave my glasses on.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS