@mattZillaaaa

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

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@Tommytoughstuff

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

@Scorpio1080

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

@TheLoinRanger

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

@IchBins_SN

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

@Smug_Lemur

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

@dave_cactus

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

@mommy_cusses

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

@MarfSalvador

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi