Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
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Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I just ran a .003048K
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?