“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
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The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Baller is short for ballerina
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!
Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi