Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
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the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be