Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
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If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.