whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
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The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Growing up was a huge mistake
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
called in thicc to work this morning
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.