@theotherkendra

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

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@PaperWash

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

@WheelTod

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

@RikNasty2Point0

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

@Smooheed

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

@mrjohntofu

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

@SteveDutzy

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

@Rainbowbunee

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

@girl_a_whirl

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

@schumoo

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.