Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

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Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.


Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom


Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.


You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut


I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.


Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.


My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.


judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?


Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.