Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
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I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Always a housemaid, never a house.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on