Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
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I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
The news
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly