Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
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The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off