Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
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Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Hello, my name is Pierre.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Last-minute gift idea!
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches