Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
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(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
My teenage children choosing violence
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.