Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
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My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁