@Manda_like_wine

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

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@Reverend_Scott

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

@CarolinaSong

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

@huntigula

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

@zacharyflynn

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

@osigat

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

@AaronFullerton

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

@joejwest

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

@SonOfCha

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

@TheHyyyype

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim