When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

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Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.


Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly


My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”


You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.


TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall


My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.


I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.


am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall


World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.