@reallifemommy3

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

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@timdonakowski

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

@Al_Ewing

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

@JohnLyonTweets

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

@ddsmidt

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

@Brampersandon_

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

@XplodingUnicorn

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

@GingerHotDish

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

@elon_degeneres

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

@noog

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.