When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
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#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.