@reallifemommy3
@timdonakowski Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
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@timdonakowski 
@ArfMeasures THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
@Al_Ewing Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
@JohnLyonTweets My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
@ddsmidt You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
@Brampersandon_ TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
@XplodingUnicorn My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
@GingerHotDish I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
@elon_degeneres am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
@noog World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.