Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
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Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Dance like you’re not the father
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes