Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search