Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
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On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.