Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
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employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now