“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
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The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex