“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
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Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.