“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
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Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
love it when they get my name right
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.