Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
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Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Is your wife single?
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.