Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
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And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her