Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
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Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.