where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
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Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.