“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
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me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?