“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
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Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Otters see a butterfly.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.