“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
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I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work