Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
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[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard