“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
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thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.