Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
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The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
23. the denim jacket
Can’t stop laughing
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.