Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
You Might Also Like
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”