“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
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friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.