Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
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“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.